I like the cascade of thoughts that accompanies finding a photo like this one.
This was taken up at Dix park at some point before Brent and I were married. I know that because I remember going to Natasha’s house on Kirby to warm up afterwards - so it was after we lived at Leadenhall - but I’m still wearing that leather bracelet that I refused to take off until we got married.
I tied that leather strip around my wrist doubly when I was dating the boy before Brent. I did it in some silly symbolic ritual to myself. A reminder to find happiness and be myself… or something like that.
It was the year I was really trying to figure out who I was.
and when Brent came along, I was so swept up in him. So madly madly over the boy that I untied the leather band, cut it in half and tied part of it to his wrist before putting the other half back on.
I told him the story of why I had put it on and that in giving him half of it, I was essentially putting my happiness in him. opening the door on my individuality and saying he was welcome to be a part of who I was.
what a foolish thing to do.
we’d been dating only a few short months. and there I was putting way too much of myself into a boy who despite our intense physical and emotional connection, hadn’t really proven himself worthy of such a gift.
but it was the year I was trying to figure out who I was, after all… so such slip ups are to be expected when you’re doing a little soul searching.
Of course we broke up immediately after that.
because that’s what happens when you go too deep too fast. When you don’t allow yourself time to build a strong foundation and instead throw everything in, topsy turvy and expect things not to crumble when you put your full weight on it.
We eventually found our way through. and back to one another. sooner rather than later, thankfully - but Brent came back holding his heart in his hands but with a bare wrist.
“What happened to that leather bracelet I gave you?” I asked him.
“I don’t know.” he said. “I think I took it off at some point. I can’t remember where I left it”
and even though it was just a little weathered strip of leather, the symbolism in its absence said a lot to me. The fact that he’d discarded it so quickly when we broke up provided me with a valuable lesson.
A step towards realization in the year I was figuring out who I was.
I learned to move forward without fear. allow myself to forgive. love openly - but not to be in such a rush to hand myself over. not to be so blinded by full lips and gravely voiced songs that I was willing to proclaim someone was my soul mate before they even really knew me.
I finally cut that remaining half of the leather band from my wrist with a pair of dull scissors two and half years later, just before I was to become Brent’s wife. Because the year I was figuring out who I was had long passed. And I was well aware, at that point, that I was a girl who could stand on her own two feet. I was a girl who gave my heart completely to a boy, who after years of laughter and honesty and kindness, had proven himself worthy of such a gift.
Ultimately, I was a girl who didn’t need a leather band tied around her wrist any more as a reminder to find comfort in just being herself.
M
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